The Stream of Consciousness Has Its Headwaters In My Mouth

Today is my last day at work. As well as the last day for 7 other people who were hit in this round of layoffs. I'm oddly chipper. While my future is by no means secure (I have no savings and live from paycheck to paycheck), temporarily at least, I feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. There were things about this workplace I really liked and I'll be lucky if I get those traits in my next job, but my position itself was dead end and completely disrespected. So I got bitter and began having trouble shifting myself out of bed each morning.

I was very resistant to taking anti-depressants again, but it's been a good thing so far. I'm much more positive. I can see the bad points but I don't let them overwhelm me the way they used to. Which is INVALUABLE in my current circumstances. So today I'm feeling a bit up, eager to get out and get on with my life. I have a lot of work ahead as this layoff comes right about the time construction is finishing on the house. I will have a SHITLOAD of cleanup work to do from 1.5 years of lead paint, wood, and other toxic dust as well as having my stuff tossed around the house more times than an irate Skycap could have accomplished. I have lost things I have to find. I have to consult a lawyer to negotiate the weird territory of having renters but being a landlord-on-premises. Then I have to start the always yucky process of looking for housemates. And pray I can find people I can get along with before my money runs out. Even sooner than this comes the mad rush to look through construction debris for my 2005 medical receipts so I can file my taxes.

Then there’s trying to give my life structure so I don’t fall into depression. Thank god it’s spring. It’s a sunny day today and gorgeous. This will make it easier to go out and take walks and ride my bike. I need to get back into a regular exercise habit and unemployment is the perfect time to do it. I need to make time for my art and this will be a huge challenge because the voices my parents installed in me will be screaming that I’m too broke to afford such fripperies, that I should be looking for a job 24/7 and that I should take anything because everyone works at jobs they hate and why should I think I’m so special as to deserve a job that’s actually fulfilling?

Today, anyway, I feel up. And I feel like it’s possible to meet these challenges.