spidra: (Default)
Counting your blessings is something I need to be better at.  I used to do semi-regular gratitude lists and I should get back to that.  However, this time I'm going to tell you what most of you should be grateful for: be grateful you're not disabled.

I've been in a LOT of pain for several weeks running now. I shouldn't be typing but I'm too dumb to refrain until I physically can't move at all.  I've been increasingly frustrated by not being able to do DIY stuff.  I've nearly always been broke in my adult life.  Before I was disabled, I could at least save some money by doing and making things myself.  Now there are so many things I can't do.  So it forces me to spend $.  Sometimes spending $ on stuff I NEVER would have spent money on before, like hiring housekeeping help.

I last traveled outside of the US two years before I became disabled.  I could contemplate carrying a heavy backpack all through Europe.  I could camp to save money because I had no problems that would be worsened by NOT sleeping on a mattress.  I could carry something heavy like a folding bike so that I could have more fun and mobility at my destination.  I can't do those things now.

You'd think after over 10 years of this, I'd be past the mourning stage.  I would just accept that there will nevermore be a single day I'm not in pain.  I'd accept that I can't have sex in many positions other than missionary should I be lucky enough to ever have sex again.  I'd accept that I have to be having an especially good RSI day before I can even contemplate masturbating. I'd accept that while I have bought a recumbent bike that doesn't hurt to ride, it DOES hurt to walk it and lock it up.

But, no.  I go back and forth.  Sometimes I acknowledge it and sometimes it's almost as crushing as the first time.

After having this since 1995, I have nerve damage.  It's been measured and proven.  But some of this has to be reversible and I pray I find the discipline and drive to revisit all the PT exercises and recommendations for lessening the pain and increasing my strength and mobility.

Anyway, kids, they ain't kidding when they say "At least you've got your health!"
spidra: (Default)
I am in awful physical health. I wasn't in great health before my surgeries, but the way the recovery from the second surgery went put me in a tailspin from which I have not yet pulled out. I've had all sorts of evening epiphanies about starting to eat low carb again (which has worked best for me in the past and is more likely to keep me off the track to diabetes), doing all my physical therapy exercises, taking walks to work up to more general fitness....but the morning always brings something else.

I thought about setting up a structured program and doing it publicly. If I think about these things just to myself, there's little accountability. If I make a big announcement on the internet that I'm going to do something, there's more pressure to stick to it. Of course, I wonder if I have enough readers to even put enough pressure on me!

It's not a new idea even though it felt new to me. A short Google showed me quite a number of people who've built businesses, gotten book and movie deals, etc. out of putting their weight loss process on the internet. I don't flatter myself that I've got anything wildly new to say on the subject (other than perhaps the difficulty of recovering fitness while limited by a disability). It's really more of a tool to help myself. But if a pound drops in the forest, can anyone hear it?

Well, I'll give it some thought. This is another evening epiphany. An evening considering going to Health Recovery Center in Minnesota, fat farms in Arizona and yoga retreats in Ireland. And realizing that I don't have the money and that I could SAVE the money if I were just disciplined enough to do it at home!


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September 2014

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