Jul. 28th, 2008

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"That's Not Me" came on my Last.fm stream this afternoon and I could relate to the lyrics more than ever. I found myself thinking "Gee, if only I'd been more musically talented than I am, I could be like Brian Wilson. I could be fucked up from my upbringing, haunted by demons, and people would still love and admire me."
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Doing well on the dietary regimen. Not doing well on exercise.... I'm in semi-withdrawal from sugar but I don't think I'm all the way through "induction" because of that powerful craving I had today. I will probably always be psychologically addicted to certain high-glycemic foods. But the physical addiction actually stops after a couple weeks of not eating sugar or starch.

I wish I had noted when I took my last bit of anti-depressant because this has been an extraordinarily long withdrawal. For those of you who have never taken anti-depressants, they not only come with a host of side-effects but they have rather annoying and sometimes dangerous withdrawal symptoms. Because you *are* becoming habituated to them. Funny how that's bad when it heroin but it's somehow good if it's an SSRI.

I knew I couldn't afford COBRA so in March I switched from Cymbalta (which is still under patent) to Celexa (which isn't). I had taken Celexa before and didn't remember a lot of side-effects. Unfortunately, whether it was that I didn't remember or whether my aging body now took it differently, I had horrible nightmares with Celexa. Really fucking disturbing ones. And I'd wake out of a deep sleep convinced I'd heard the doorbell ring , go to the door and find noone there. This happened repeatedly. But I stayed on Celexa because I didn't have good healthcare anymore and what could I afford? For some reason, my UC doctor wrote a short prescription with no refills. I was supposed to have been able to get a new one from a doctor at the Primary Access Care Clinic but they cancelled my appointment the day of the appointment. And I've been so pissed at them that I haven't rescheduled.

So...the pills were running out. So over time I cut down to a half dose. Then a quarter dose. Then nothing. It's been two weeks now and I still have the whooshing sound in my head, the little lightning bolt feeling in my brain and tongue. It's annoying as hell and makes you worried you will faint if you get in any strenuous situation.

Maybe my recent upsurge in depression is due to not taking meds, but I'm not sure that's it. You see, I was able to have days of the same dire depression even when I was on meds.

Anyway, I thought I'd write this withdrawal experience down because I don't think people who haven't taken anti-depressants know how serious they are. They really mess with you.
spidra: (Default)
I think it was a Buffista who first turned me on to the essay "Hack Yourself". It used to be on the Blood Letters site but I was just revisiting my Firefox bookmark and it looks like it now has its own domain (and a background that is less literal about hacking yourself... I actually like the old bloody background). I was going to Digg it and was surprised it hadn't been Dugg yet. So I did that. Anyway, I'm reading it again. Because I need to.

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